I've been trying to write this for a week, but didn't quite know how to put everything into words yet.  I'm still not sure, but, with God's help, I'm going to try...

Last week Tuesday, James, Michelle, and girls picked up Valerie and I in the morning.  We stopped for lunch and to unpack at the hotel, and arrived at the funeral home around 2 pm.  Once there were several other family members there, we all took a moment to see Carlyne before others began to arrive.  It was very surreal to see her...I don't exactly know how to describe it in words.  All I can say is that it sort of finalized in my mind that she was really gone.  I am so thankful I had the chance to say goodbye to her at the hospital, because I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to that lifeless body in the casket...it just wasn't her.  Several people commented that she wasn't smiling...and, in her life, she was ALWAYS smiling...even in the hospital room with an oxygen mask covering most of her face.  She was never one to let life's circumstances bring her down.  I remember when she stayed with my family once after her accident years ago.  My brother, Danny, was just learning to walk and Carlyne, after making an amazing recovery from a horrible car accident, was re-learning how to walk.  We joked about who would be the first one to walk...I think it was a close tie.  She never really walked the same as before the accident, but she never let it stop her. 

Later on that evening, more family arrived and it became a sort of family reunion.  Towards the end of the wake, there was a small prayer service held.  Ted, Valerie, and I sat in the back so I could feed Valerie.  She decided half-way through it that she was much happier to coo and make baby talk.  Ted and I were trying so hard not to laugh out loud, but several family members looked back at us and smiled while others began to snicker quietly.  They were all so thankful to have Valerie along to break the tension and remind us that life will go on.  How wonderful that in the face of death, God had given us a reminder of new life. 

After the wake, we opted to get subs to eat at the hotel, so we could visit, swim in the hotel pool, and go to bed early for the long day ahead.  Ted was able to ride up with Melissa and DJ and, since DJ had to be back at school and Ted had to work the next day, DJ and Ted drove back after dinner.  Valerie and I shared a room with my sisters.  It was nice to have some time to spend with my sisters and they certainly loved having Valerie duty in the morning. 

The next day, all the family returned to the funeral home around 9 am to begin a processional to the church.  My dad had an interesting dilemma that morning after losing the keys to his car twice, but found them later on in the day.  I felt bad for my parents, because it was sort of the last straw for them after a long and emotional week.  I know they both miss Carlyne terribly and I found myself often wishing I could make them stop hurting.  I hate to see those I love hurting...and I hate feeling the hurt of losing someone you love.  I didn't really cry at the wake or the funeral, because I had cried so much Saturday night and Sunday morning.  In my pain, I had cried out to my God, "It hurts so much" and Ted reminded me that He knows. 

In fact, Jesus cried too when His friend Lazarus died, even though He knew he would rise again.  Can you imagine the hurt it must have caused our heavenly Father when He watched His Son die too?  As a mother, I can't imagine the pain...it would absolutely consume me.  And yet, as the Scriptures say, "But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5)  You see, it had to be done to save us from our own sins.  Jesus wasn't a sinner; He was perfect and holy.  We are the sinners...and it amazes me to realize that God let His Son, who was perfect and blameless, suffer and die, because He loved ME, wretched sinner that I am.  "How can it be that you my King would die for me?" (from the song 'You Are My King')  It is in this incredible sacrifice that I cannot begin to understand...that I find my greatest comfort; I know that because I have believed in God's gift to me in the death of His son He will one day wipe away all my tears. 

I have also found comfort in this verse of Scripture - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)  I know that He was not surprised by Carlyne's death and, in my deepest grief, I still know that He is the same God I love and serve today that He was before Carlyne died. 

I have no more words to say, other than to thank you all for your constant prayers, encouragement, and support in the last week or so.  It is always a comfort to know there are so many people covering us in prayers and to know that we serve a God who hears those prayers and listens to our pleas.  I would especially like to thank Ted's sister, Sarah, and the rest of the Hanes family for the beautiful plant that was sent to the funeral home.  When I saw that plant I was immediately reminded of God's presence, because He has blessed me not only with the wonderful family I have grown up with, but also with the amazing family I have married into.  I knew then that He wasn't about to leave my side through it all...and He never will.

I wasn't exactly planning on taking pictures during those two days.  However, I wanted to document it with pictures as another reminder of the family God has blessed me with and as a reminder that my God will never leave me or forsake me.  Here are some pictures I want to share with all of you...

 And so it begins...

One of Three beautiful bouquets representing Carlyne's Brothers & Wives (or, as my Grandma and Great-Aunt Mary prefer, 'Sisters'), Nieces & Nephews (my aunts and uncles), and GrandNieces & GrandNephews (my generation)

The beautiful plant sent by the Hanes family

The cutest picture of Carlyne, John, and my Grandpa...notice how my Grandpa is in the wagon while his YOUNGER brother and sister are pulling him...too funny!

A picture taken at my grandparents house - Grandpa & Grandma, Carlyne, Mary & John

Carlyne's nephews carrying the casket - James, Gerry, Tom, Mark, Charlie, John, and Larry (plus the guy from the funeral home directing them)

Valerie and my Grandpa - he was singing to her and she loved it

One of many clean-up days at Carlyne's house - We all made a walk through and left with things we wanted or marked the big items we want.  Her house is like a history museum; it is the house she was born in 83 years ago.

Hmm...we have a lot of work ahead of us.  This is only a small fraction of Carlyne's 'frugal' lifestyle we have to sort through.  Every closet and two of the four bedrooms look like this...and then there's the basement, garage, and nooks and crannies all over.  Here are a few discoveries we made: report cards from when Carlyne was in grade school, a 50 year old bridesmaid's dress, a 60ish-year old prom dress, a piece of paper detailing my mom's only sister's (Paula) short life, and cases of empty bottles from Klein Beverages (which are well over 50 years old). It's like a treasure hunt...or rather a 'history' hunt!

Here's a photo (of a photo) of Carlyne's house

Valerie has recently discovered her voice and she loudly lets us know.  Here are some cute videos of her baby talk for you to enjoy. 

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This one was taken on November 26th.  She was sitting in her swing while Ted and I were doing stuff around the house.  She started squealing as if to say, "Hey, I'm over here...pay attention to ME!"

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This one was taken on November 30th.  This is her new way of talking to us.  I just love it, because she looks right at me as if we're having a conversation.  Too cute!

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And, tonight I took this sweet photo of our sleeping beauty for your viewing enjoyment.  Is there anything sweeter than a sleeping baby?

There's nothing like the smiles and coos of a sweet little baby to wipe away the tears and to act as a much needed reminder of our awesome Creator who gives and takes away...blessed be the name of the Lord!

Funeral details have been finalized and are as follows...

Wake @ 4:00 - 7:00 PM December 2nd (Tuesday)

Funeral @10:00 AM December 3rd (Wednesday)

St. Mary's Immaculate Conception Parish

108 McHenry Street, Burlington, WI  53105